Got Social Skills?

What are social skills?

Experts will give you really cool and technical definitions like: "Social skills are specific sets of behaviors shared between individuals for a mutual benefit," or "Social skills are behaviors individuals use to navigate social initiations and responses," or "blah, blah, blah..."


I've read hundreds of articles and spent hours assessing and instructing social skills development. I'm not sure that makes me an expert, but my definition of social skills is a tad different. To me, social skills are:

1. Self-awareness
2. Knowing how to "fake" or "pretend"
3. Taking turns

I know what you're thinking, "These sound like skills for preschoolers!" and you're right. Remember the saying, "Everything you need to know you learn in preschool?" It's a pretty accurate statement, (not about filing taxes, but definitely about social skills!) The strongest social skills development takes place from birth to around 5 years old.

Even that tiny, iddy-biddy infant is learning steps 1-3.

What's always been interesting about researching social skills is that hardly anybody actually sits down with our little rascals and teaches them social skills. Most little kids just learn these skills quite incidentally with very little guidance. It's pretty amazing.

This leads us to believe that skills like "self-awareness," "pretending," and "taking turns" just sort of happen.

While this is a fascinating phenomenon, it can be troubling for children and families struggling with complex neurodevelopmental disorders like autism or ADHD. A large majority of these children lack self-awareness, the ability to "fake-it" and have a real hard time taking turns (not only with toys) but with conversation. For many of them, these skills aren't "just happening" and don't ever seem to "click."

On top of all that, the impact of these concerns tend not to surface until well after the ideal developmental window (birth-to-5). The result is that you have some preschoolers and kindergartners having a really hard time at school. Their interactions with peers and adults become quite strained at an early age and basically set the stage for their entire schooling!

I am always surprised at how little emphasis is placed on social skills development in schools. I know a lot of folks that can read, write, and do arithmetic but they cannot interact socially. This impacts their desires for intimacy, their status at work, and more.

Okay, so now what? What do you do?

First: Prevention is the best medicine. You're going to want to advocate on behalf of kids everywhere that self-awareness, pretend-play, and taking turns gets taught at home and in preschool settings.

Second: Kids that continue to struggle during the preschool years and beyond NEED social skills instruction. Serious social skills instruction that includes motivating and entertaining components with a strong emphasis on using the skills in a meaningful way (to both the child and their environments).

Third: Contact Dr. Springer. Despite what the internet offers you, there are literally only a handful of effective methods that help children learn the skills they need to navigate the social world. Dr. Springer can consult with you by conducting a needs assessment for your child and can help direct school personnel in adopting practical methods that support social success.