Got Social Skills?

What are social skills?

Experts will give you really cool and technical definitions like: "Social skills are specific sets of behaviors shared between individuals for a mutual benefit," or "Social skills are behaviors individuals use to navigate social initiations and responses," or "blah, blah, blah..."


I've read hundreds of articles and spent hours assessing and instructing social skills development. I'm not sure that makes me an expert, but my definition of social skills is a tad different. To me, social skills are:

1. Self-awareness
2. Knowing how to "fake" or "pretend"
3. Taking turns

I know what you're thinking, "These sound like skills for preschoolers!" and you're right. Remember the saying, "Everything you need to know you learn in preschool?" It's a pretty accurate statement, (not about filing taxes, but definitely about social skills!) The strongest social skills development takes place from birth to around 5 years old.

Even that tiny, iddy-biddy infant is learning steps 1-3.

What's always been interesting about researching social skills is that hardly anybody actually sits down with our little rascals and teaches them social skills. Most little kids just learn these skills quite incidentally with very little guidance. It's pretty amazing.

This leads us to believe that skills like "self-awareness," "pretending," and "taking turns" just sort of happen.

While this is a fascinating phenomenon, it can be troubling for children and families struggling with complex neurodevelopmental disorders like autism or ADHD. A large majority of these children lack self-awareness, the ability to "fake-it" and have a real hard time taking turns (not only with toys) but with conversation. For many of them, these skills aren't "just happening" and don't ever seem to "click."

On top of all that, the impact of these concerns tend not to surface until well after the ideal developmental window (birth-to-5). The result is that you have some preschoolers and kindergartners having a really hard time at school. Their interactions with peers and adults become quite strained at an early age and basically set the stage for their entire schooling!

I am always surprised at how little emphasis is placed on social skills development in schools. I know a lot of folks that can read, write, and do arithmetic but they cannot interact socially. This impacts their desires for intimacy, their status at work, and more.

Okay, so now what? What do you do?

First: Prevention is the best medicine. You're going to want to advocate on behalf of kids everywhere that self-awareness, pretend-play, and taking turns gets taught at home and in preschool settings.

Second: Kids that continue to struggle during the preschool years and beyond NEED social skills instruction. Serious social skills instruction that includes motivating and entertaining components with a strong emphasis on using the skills in a meaningful way (to both the child and their environments).

Third: Contact Dr. Springer. Despite what the internet offers you, there are literally only a handful of effective methods that help children learn the skills they need to navigate the social world. Dr. Springer can consult with you by conducting a needs assessment for your child and can help direct school personnel in adopting practical methods that support social success.

What do you want from your child's school?

This is a reasonable question. I think most folks would respond by saying something like, "A good education, good teachers, safety, etc."

Simple enough, right?

I'm not so sure. For instance, what's a "good education?" To one parent, it might mean learning all the classics in literature, useful mathematical algorithms and concepts, appreciation of the arts, and the ability to write and communicate thoughts and arguments effectively. To another, it could mean child care, food, and play.

It's quite amazing that there is no unified definition of what a good education entails. We're all left to interpret that for ourselves, and if we're lucky, we share the interpretation with our educators.

The interpretation becomes even more nebulous and convoluted when your child has special needs. Be it developmental, behavioral, emotional, or social, the education of exceptional youth does not share the same trajectory of other children. Thus, the definition of  "a good education" potentially diverges here as well.

You can see now that the reasonable question of "What do you want from your child's school" may not have a simple or reasonable answer for everyone.

This puts educators of all varieties in a serious pickle. The burden, it seems, is on them to take a very dated model of education (i.e., grade levels, test-assess-test, evaluate, and report) and have it apply successfully to all children that walk in their room.

When I attended my first parent-teacher conference in the role of the parent--I'm going to be honest--there was only one thing I wanted to know. Of course I was happy to hear that my daughter's reading and writing were up to snuff, but I just wanted to know if she was happy. That's all I wanted to know. You see, for me, if my daughter was happy, I knew she could approach reading, writing, and arithmetic at her best. If my daughter was happy, she would be open to the fun and exciting learning environment of the classroom.

It's pretty amazing what kids can do when they're happy.

It sounds all fluffy and fun, but happiness is serious business. Unfortunately, while an impressive amount of research exists on how happiness (aka psychological well-being) affects test scores, performance, relationships, future success, and motivation, our educational system ignores it completely.

Educational psychologists Thomas Kehle and Melissa Bray of the University of Connecticut address this paradigm in detail and even provide a theoretical framework to improve not only your child's education, but your child's quality of life. They even provide a clever acronym for their theory. They call it "R.I.C.H. theory." (Think enRICHment over GETTING rich).

Next time you see me, we can talk about the ENTIRE theoretical mumbo-jumbo. For now, just take a few minutes of your day to think about what R.I.C.H. stands for:

Resources. Your child should be taught how to identify and access resources specific to their age and developmental level.

Intimacy. Your child should be taught how to navigate relationships successfully enough specific to their age and developmental level.

Competence. Your child should be taught achieve academic competence across all academic areas.

Health. Your child should be taught how to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

These four areas have all been found as the pillars of a happy, high-quality life. If every child knew how to access resources, maintain intimacy, achieve competence, and remain healthy, they'd be happy.

Now, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

If you're not, contact Dr. Springer for more information about helping your child succeed at school and in life.